Narcissism: Pointing The Finger Inwards
Narcissism is a cute buzzword, aka label, used to describe unaware egoic behavior, aka unconscious mind. Since the ego’s job is to protect us, and the goal is to end suffering and thus achieve and sustain enlightenment, we need to be really careful as to how we toss around the label, “(S)he’s a narcissist.”
We all have narcissistic behaviors. So it isn’t fair to label someone a This or That, because that boxes them in, and often doesn’t transmute the behavior, which should really be the goal here. As we grow out of those unconscious or unempathetic behaviors, we first begin by seeing the behaviors in other people, and then in our disgust, we renounce that behavior as not being our desired truth. In our rejection and focus on the external, it can be hard to realize, admit, accept, and take an honest inventory about our own narcissistic behaviors. It’s always easier to point the finger outward than inward. If we also are having an unconscious moment, then in that disgust, we may
3) usually finding someone else with similar characteristics
4) or in our polar opposite imbalance we bring the narcissist out of them
5) or we manifest what is unwanted by focusing on the unwanted with too much intensity (law of attraction),
6) or because we are projecting that others are behaving this way when really we’re just traumatized by the narcissism of someone else and can’t see beyond our own lense.
And we repeat this cycle of attracting similar people and situations over and over because we refuse to learn our lessons.
We’ve refused and failed to point the finger inward, and failed to rectify the root cause of the behavior.
Today, everyone is talking about narcissism from a place of victimhood. Well, I’m here to tell you, we all are narcissistic pricks to some degree, and until you are willing to point the finger inward and resolve your own shit, you will keep seeing this shit everywhere you turn. It’s always been here, you’re just now noticing because you’re conscious is just now incorporating enough love and light to make you aware but you’re still pointing the finger outward instead of looking at your own shit.
And oh God how we fucking resent the other person for their injustices until we finally begin to notice ourselves acting similarly. Then we let it slide as we give ourselves a hall pass after having avenged the transgression and subsequently acted in similar ways (cognitive dissonance). That, or we keep riding the self-righteous high road of ‘well at least I’m not as bad as So&So.’
When I do relationship counseling, being that the people who come to me are often “on a spiritual path”. By definition, if the ‘narcissistic’ person is on a spiritual path, they aren’t textbook narcissists because supposedly they are open to healing their shit. But since people are often operating from various egoic levels of resistance, often very unconsciously, I often hear this question of, ‘What do I do when my partner isn’t conscious?” And the answer is, STOP pointing the finger at their narcissistic unconsciousness, which is an attack, beCAUSE you attracted this behavior somehow. Heal whatever imbalance is within you beCAUSE you will see everything begin to reflect those changes. You’re just coming to me to help you see more clearly, but if y’all are open to seeing what I’m seeing, then neither is ‘a narcissist’.
There’s a lot of power struggle that happens when people give an excess of their power because it means someone is TAKING an excess of power, aka codependency, rather than generating that power from within. It happens every day in relationships.
When I feel bad, I ask myself, ‘What am I giving away my power to.’ Usually, the answer is fear for the future based on an expectation of bad results which I’m projecting based on my unresolved trauma.
What should I do next? I then breath, breath, breath in my power, kneeling before God and my highest ascended self down on my knees posturing to the mother earth. And then, if I’m really unconscious in the moment, I start begging them to take it away, until slowly I release resistance. And as I breath in, and allow higher frequencies to flow to me, through me, as me, I begin to change that begging into gratitude knowing that my prayers are being answered, as I fill up on God’s power. From there, I tell the Universe what I want, and I commit to being open to receiving, shifting, growing in awareness and capability. Then, I frame it with, ‘Thank you thank you thank you. With ease and grace, ease and grace.” But that’s really supposed to be more of a reminder to myself to stop making shit so fantastically difficult on myself, because part of me accepts responsibility for how hard I make things yet my ego still likes to project that it’s God doing it to me. See how that works? What is outside is inside.
We have to realize that the people closest to us may not be able to hear us because they feel attacked, and you could be so unaware of how you’re attacking that they can’t even get vulnerable and relaxed with you enough to hear what you’re meaning to convey. It creates a constant state of emergency within the body, which subsequently makes it REALLY fucking difficult to listen to your quiet heart while your mind and body are screaming “Danger!”. Then, the danger becomes that you project and manifest more of what is unwanted thereby sabotaging all the good shit.
You might be delivering a message totally point blank, you think without judgement, but there’s an undertone of resentment, or frustration, or projection from your own unresolved shit that distorts the message, aka signal. Until you both get really honest with yourselves and each other, neither one is going to be able to let their guard down, break through the protective armor, and let their seeds grow.
You CANNOT FORCE another person to grow- ONLY GOD CAN, and if you try to do God’s job instead of your own job, which is to work on yourself and control yourself, then you are going to be very fucking frustrated.
Relationship is a commitment to deal with the other person’s shit. Marriages have this caveat of ‘till death do us part’ which is quite the crutch for the ‘victim’ or ‘vampire’ or ‘codependent one’ and quite the resource drain for the enabler. We are seeing modern relationships reject this potential energy theft with non-commitment. The spiritual community will call it ‘A Connection’ like how ‘Non-binary’ is en vogue right now. On the positive side, this label understands the impermanence of all things and gives SPACE for the other person to grow at their own pace. On the down side, isolating oneself from relationship can be more than just a lack of commitment to the other person, or an elevated personal boundary. On the down side, it’s like we’re saying, ‘I’m choosing not to work on myself and grow in harmony with all that is.’ The simple fact is, there’s duality in everything, and you need to keep focusing on the solution. Be a solution seeker instead of a narcissistic nincompoop.
So where do we begin?
Uh, surrender to the divine within.
Point the finger inward. Let’s look at your own shit, and stop labeling people in absolutes which boxes them in making it harder for them to grow. If you hear yourself or another person jumping to defend or “explain” themselves, then they feel attacked, whether you meant to or not. That feeling is valid, whether you like it or not, even though it might not be accurately projected at you. Or, it could be accurate as fuck, and you’re putting up a wall because your ego doesn’t have a solution for how to deal with the offense and offended. What should you do? Surrender and point the finger inward as quickly as possible.
It’s entirely possible that they are triggered by some old unresloved shit, which caused them to spew an unconscious aggression, to which you are now defending yourself and possibly getting sucked into the unconscious frequency and therefore mirroring the behavior. Don’t blame them for pulling you down; reclaim power over your frequency. Stop giving away your power. It’s truly a vicious cycle, unless, of course, you are willing to point the finger inward and look at your own shit.
Until you accept responsibility for your shit, it will keep coming up. How gracefully or difficult it comes up depends on how resistant and hard headed you are. If you’re not paying attention, or heading the signals Source is giving, eventually you’re going to get smacked upside the head or feel like you’re constantly banging your head against a wall. A lot of this has to do with self-respect and boundaries or a lack thereof. I find a lot of people have weak boundaries for themselves coupled with harsh inner criticisms they project onto others.
I ask myself, “What have I been doing all these years that keeps attracting this same result?” “What behavior haven’t I changed?’ “Where do I keep giving away my power?” “In what ways am I attacking this person through non-acceptance of what is?”
Ego would like to believe that it is an innocent victim, and our dualistic society of right and wrong, win or lose, black or white, hates to realize that instead of it being you vs. me, it’s more like me vs. myself vs. you vs. my expectations vs. your expectations vs. societal pressures or some other fucked up combination that is uncomfortable to admit.
My point is, there are shades of grey, and there are tricks of the imagination, optical illusions, and ego likes to trick us into believing that it’s me vs you, or us vs them, but ultimately I’m always right. It isn’t until we become willing to admit that, ‘Hey you know what, I fuck up. I make mistakes. This is uncomfortable, so maybe I’m mistaken about something here. What could it be? Is there something deeper here that I’m missing?” The dis-ease of narcissism is a very isolating and divisive position that fails to nourish the soul. It’s very emotionally triggered. So if you find yourself extremely triggered by the narcissism of others, it’s either 1) They are mirroring your behavior and you refuse to look at yourself, 2) Your expectation of a bad result is creating a bad result, 3) You’re behavior is radically excessive or deficient in some way, or 4) They truly are the asshole you say they are. I just would caution everybody from permanently stamping a fat label on their head and filing them away in the ‘Deserves my aggression” folder. Because if you would give them your aggression, then you are giving them your power, and the truth is, you should be pissed at yourself so long as you keep refusing the higher lesson. Once you reach the place of acceptance and change your behavior and boundaries, you can stop feeling conflicted.
Don’t be a sheep. Beeehh this is right, and beeeeh this is wrong, and beeeh my truth is more valid than yours, beeeehhhhh. The truth, and consciousness, even YOUR consciousness, and mine, have AT ALL TIMES varying degrees of truth and resistance, power vs. force.
A flock of sheep may all agree that the truth is one thing, but if that’s not your truth, you are still just as entitled as they are to feel worthy, whole, and safe. They don’t have the right to deny you yourself respect and dignity, so stop giving it away to them. If calling them narcissistic assholes helps you feel more empowered than the shame/guilt/blame/judgement of what they’re laying down, then cool, until of course, you release enough resistance to forgive them as you would forgive yourself and repent for that time when you were being a dick and called them narcissistic assholes.
Trust me, I get it. Feeling self-righteous feels a whole lot more empowering than guilting or blaming or shaming ourselves and others, but it’s still not the highest truth, love, light and joy. So you’ve got to come to a place where you’re willing to say to yourself, ‘Man, this asshole is being such a narcissistic prick, what am I doing to attract this kind of behavior, and how can I do differently?’
In relationship conflict, I like to say, ‘Hey. You know what. I suck sometimes. These are my trespasses XYZ, and I heard you say that XYZ bothered you. I am aware that I need to work on this. I’m going to take a deep look inside, and ask God for help, and in the meantime I’m going to try doing XYZ differently. I’m sorry for my part in sucking. Can you please forgive me?”
Usually, at the root of the problem, you are failing to stay present, allowing your expectations and attachments to rob you of your peace, and totally giving away your power by playing victim to situations that are beCAUSE you keep failing to take responsibility and ownership for yourself, actions, and consequences.
All we can do is point it out to you in various ways you’re willing to hear. We can’t surrender that shit for you. Only you can get you back into alignment.
How? PRACTICE SURRENDERING your little ego’s protectionistic Will for the greater will of your highest ascended self and the will of God to flow through you as an instrument on this earth.
Keep a journal. It’ll help you to better notice the behaviors, lies you tell yourself, and other resistances. It’ll help you to pivot up into higher truth with greater precision. It’ll help you SEE your own shit as an observer so you’ll be less emotionally charged, and more in the driver’s seat able to change the direction in which your energy and attention are flowing.
You’ve got to take responsibility for how your words energetically and psychically attack others. Just because you didn’t say it, doesn’t mean you didn’t energetically attack them. (Cough cough passive aggressiveness) You need to make a proper apology. And I hate to break it to you, but just saying, ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t near enough.
- Empathy statement
- Acknowledging their perceived transgressions
- Taking ownership for your role in causing the control drama
- Declaration of behavior you are now willing to change and work on.
- Asking for the forgiveness
- Making an offering (repentance)
- Giving SPACE for the changes to take place.
You can take this up with their highest ascended selves first, but you need to bend the knee (humble yourself) and say it to them directly. (No millennials, not text, it’s too easy to hide behind a keyboard. You need to say it to their face or at least in a VOICE conversation. These things work best when two people can hug. Hugging repairs the wounds by centering the power of the heart and focusing it around the situation.)
More than this, you have to practice taking a step back from the negativity, breathing through it, so that you can remain the observer of it. Meaning, you have to hold yourself accountable for PRACTICING your own self-mastery exercises.
If I defend, then I am attacked. But I cannot be attacked if I remember that I am divine pure and amazing. You can’t just repeat these words like a drone; you have to FEEL into this wholeness. Unfortunately, most people can’t access that feeling without at least having done some kind of psychedelics because they don’t give themselves the time and space. So psychedelics become the elevator to the penthouse of self-discovery.
Unfortunately, about 96% of the population does not walk around FEELING the truth of their divine power, especially not at all times or in all circumstances, and fuck us for how quick we are to publicly vilify anyone on social media brazen enough to call themselves a guru or expert on any given situation. When I fail to remember my truth, and misbehave, the only reason to feel defensive is if I am unwilling to accept responsibility and change my behavior somehow. If I AM willing to modify my thoughts, behaviors and actions, then the only reason to be pissy is your fucked up public defamation of character forever searchable online. Forgiving that shit definitely takes a high level of self-mastery, which might not have ever been obtained if you hadn’t been such a narcissistic dick to say that shit in the first place. So thank you for all those massive piles of shit and pressure which, along with my will to be free through God’s help have transmuted me into this badass unicorn now before you.
Of course it is hard to access that level of mind when we allow the mind to run rampant with it’s thinking in absolutes. Black and white. I win the argument (meaning the other person loses and I take their energy.) So we keep playing these tug of wars in relationship where I resent you for stealing my energy, and you resent me for stealing your energy, and we’re both refusing to reclaim our individual and collective power to realign with Source and let energy flow toward what is wanted. It’s hard, because we don’t practice.
Practice catching yourself. Become aware of your suffering. Become aware of how you torture yourself. Become aware of how you torture others because of your suffering. Commit to counterbalancing each negative thought with a positive. PRACTICE.
Practice breathing before reacting to an attack.
While you are defending, breath, breath, breath in the Source of your Divine power.
PRACTICE connecting yourself with earth and the heavens.
Give SPACE for miracles to take place.
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